Today has been really tricky. I don’t think today was tricky because of what has happened today, i think today was tricky because i am coming to terms with one fact above all others. It’s All Gone.
So, what do i mean?
Due to the virus i have lost my routine. My routine was the foundation of my energy and stability. Without my routine my energy levels are fucked. I am struggling to keep up with the world and my ability to get stuff done has been destroyed. I feel more disabled and more broken than i have in years. I am spending all day, everyday, fighting my body and brain to get anything done.
Due to the virus i have also lost my environment. The carefully constructed environment i have spent years refining is gone. My home environment is not suitable for working. This isn’t new, it’s why i have worked at the cafe for years. Trying to rewire my home environment to be workable has failed. Nothing is working. I am getting fuck all done. They are gone. Who knows when, or if, the cafe’s will re-open.
Finally, i am loosing my friends. Not physically, they love me and won’t be going anywhere. But i can’t do anything with them even when they visit to try and support me. I am too tired, too exhausted. I have no bandwidth or energy. They have stopped visiting because when they did i was grumpy, withdrawn and irritable. I simply don’t have the capacity to do social stuff anymore, due to the loss of the routine and environment.
I don’t know what to do. I am trying my best to engineer solutions. To re-wire my life and work out what the fuck to do. Even if the lockdown is lifted tomorrow the path to recovery will be long and hard. The damage has been done.
Today i was sad for the life i have lost. Tomorrow i will be excited for the life i am now tasked to create.