It’s 1am on the 16th of November 2015 and I have made a decision.
I’m going to be autistic and proud of it.
I managed a facade for years. I have always been autistic but I managed to pass for normal. I thought passing for normal was a good goal to have.
I hid from the autism. Having a secret life and hating myself for it. Feeling a constant shame.
However I’m at a turning point. I’ve recently lost a ton of skills after having an operation so now is a good time to review my strategy. It has been 10 weeks of fighting to regain and keep that facade of "normality". I’m not winning.
I have decided that I won’t rebuild my facade. I am not going to focus on rebuilding skills to pass for normal. I’m going to rebuild skills for what makes me happy and productive.
I have a right to make choices which work for me and I reject the shame that ableism and lack of acceptance enforces.
I am proud to be me when I am sit in my cot with a sippy cup and the lion watching thomas videos. I have a right to relax how I prefer.
I am proud to be me when i choose nappies over underpants because it reduces my anxiety, provides reassurance and allows me to focus on what I enjoy rather than worrying about the nearest bathroom. Who bloody cares what underwear I choose.
I am proud to be me when I go on adventures in a buggy because it makes the day more relaxed, enjoyable and fun.
Finally, I have a right to feel safe.
I don’t feel safe, confident or secure home alone. I’m still learning.
Therefore I am proud I choose to have a babysitter to provide times where I can be safe and secure so I can recharge and be happy.
I’m shaping my life so I can be better at my job but also more relaxed and happy. I’m not targeting to appear more normal or do more ‘normal things’.
I will be more of the fun, bouncy, happy childlike Jamie, and less of the anxious burntout mess I have been.
I don’t care for labels. High or low functioning is a useless sub division. I’m just going to go with what works.
I can do this due to the phenomenal support I get from my friends and my employer. They have been encouraging me for years to relax and accept the autism.
I guess I now finally have. :)
It’s taken 9 years from the first time I muttered the words "I’m Autistic" to really meaning them.
I am no fraud or faker. I’m autistic and it is a marvellous thing to be.
