“Yes I can, I know I can.”

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Yesterday evening I was very frustrated. For the last 2.5 years I’ve been unable to leave my flat anytime I wanted to. First with the lockdowns, and then with my injury.

I’d get to go out with friends and support folks from time to time. An occasional solo bike ride. But the default was to be indoors.

It rarely make sense form an energy or pain perspective to go out unless I really need too. A short ride can leave me in pain for several days and burn all of my energy. The default expectation is that I only go out when it’s sensible to do so.

It’s been getting harder to stay indoors. It’s really been impacting my brain and mood. Especially during ADHD meds drop.

Last night I was having a really hard meds drop and was very upset. I decided to do something about it. So at 6:30pm, I grabbed the little ebike and I went for a ride. I picked a direction and just cycled. I didn’t take anything like my phone etc. i didn’t want to be observed or tracked.

In the end I cycled to a park about 6 miles from my home. I was pretty darn sore. I sat on a swing (sorta) and watched the world as it started going dark.

I pushed the bike across the playground and had the idea to try and push the bike all the way home. It took me the best part of 3 hours. But I did it. I used the bike as a walking frame using the brakes for support.

It was very painful but I kept going. For the hardest bits (getting over the bridge) I had the mantra from Thomas the tank engine in my head. “Yes I can. I know I can”.

My walking form isn’t great. It hurts a lot and I need something to push and hold on too. But I can do it. Every step hurts but I just need to keep going.

Yesterday i needed to feel in control of life. Getting outside because I wanted to and I didn’t care how many spoons it took or how much it hurt.

It was a big and silly risk. It wasn’t reckless tho. I always had safe routes home and I was never far from sources of help if needed. I know my body well, i can’t avoid or stop the pain. But there’s a difference between pain because I am moving and pain because I’ve hurt something.

I’m not going in a rush to do it again. The next few days I’ll be very careful and make sure I sit and rest properly to avoid causing any pain flares. But I’m glad I did it. My brain is a much easier place to be today.


Spaced Out & Smiling is about exploring the fun side of Autism, and trying to understand what it means to be Autistically Happy.

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