Choose Pain

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Last week i messed up badly. Probably the worse mistake i’ve made since my injury. I had a super fun day riding electric bikes mostly siting down. I managed so much more than i had any reasonable expectation would have granted me,

The side pain was high, it always is. It passed quickly.

However, my baseline tailbone pain swung from 0.5/10 to 3/10 and stayed there. It’s not budged much. A 2-3 day recovery, looks more like a 2-3 week recovery. Not what i planned or what i wanted. Endless brian fog, mood issues, very little energy and big lump of greif too. We rather abruptly found the limit. To make sure, we went back yesterday, did the same again…. the limit is pretty hard.

I have a choice to make:

  1. Choose the pain - choose to live with a higher baseline pain. Keep riding (amoung quite a lot else). Tackle the brain fog and overcome it.
  2. Hide from the pain - go lay down again. 23+ hours a day laying flat, get the pain back to being super low and escape the brain fog and other challenges.

For now, i am choosing the pain because i crave riding my bike. I am choosing the pain because i am frustrated. Choosing the pain because it puts me in control.

I am scared. The constant tailbone pain is not all that acute. I’ve put up with dential pain or ear ache which is worse. The issue is time. Accepting it wont ever stop is hard. Perhaps one of the hardest thing’s i’ve ever attempted to do. I’m scared I won’t be me anymore. Scared i will loose friends, loose my job.

I’m going to go for it. Try my best. Engineer all the things i can and see what i can achieve. Choosing pain means choosing freedom. I don’t know if i can still be Jamie or not. But i wont know till i try. They dont call it a life changing injury for nothing.


Spaced Out & Smiling is about exploring the fun side of Autism, and trying to understand what it means to be Autistically Happy.

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