The last month has been very strange.
I started the month by essentially torturing myself with physio. For a week I pushed myself a hard as I could in order to learn about my body. It was one of the most important weeks of my life.
From the physio I learnt that I can do 5x more if I push into the pain. The initial pain isn’t meaningful. It can be ignored.
Since then I’ve had some pain in my sides almost everyday, but I’ve also become bolder. Going and doing things I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I’m painfully aware I am on borrowed time with my injury. I don’t have time to wait anymore
I’ve joined Grindr and had a few new experiences. I’ve written about littleness and autism. I’ve been mountain biking. Built crazy bikes and then launched myself down mountain bike trails. I’ve taken on some debt in order to buy the tools needed to invest in adventure.
I’m not taking more risks as such. Instead I am being bolder. Being more clear in what is important to me and treating everyday as a day to learn more about my body and take a step forward in the recovery I am building.
Before my injury I could go to bed with confidence in how my body would be the next day. It would be tricky often, autistic life is hard, but I had confidence.
These days I don’t. I am no longer confident in my body. I go to bed hoping for the best and wake up each morning unsure of what will happen next.
Time to be bold. Step into the unknown and see.