Walking with Elephants

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Gosh it’s been a heck of a week. I spent 3 days back in hospital as the drs worked out why my legs have been so weak. A CT scan and a MRI where both clear.

The theory is it’s just the after effects of the infection getting into my spine / legs / etc.

Sounds more scary than it is, with intense physio this should get better. I’ve been given a walking frame and I’m back home.

This hospital visit was different to the first. The intense feeling of being unsafe was really strong. Stronger than ever and expressed itself as the feeling of elephants stood on my chest in pointy shoes.

We had this before, a certain type of anxiety which normally means not enough structure. In the hospital we didn’t have a clue what was happening or when. So the lack of routine and inability to predict the day was intense.

The intense anxiety ended up making everything worse. My speech, my mood and ironically my ability to walk.

Since getting home and back to my own environment and routines the elephants have reduced and I am feeling better. I am also walking better. My movement is best in private. When I can focus on what I am doing rather than people talking at me or the added pressure of expectation. Every time I move I half expect someone to tell me off for something, so having no one in the room when I move makes it much easier.

We have a lot of physio planned. It should be onwards and upwards from here. This should pass. Lots of small steps ahead… pardon the pun…


Spaced Out & Smiling is about exploring the fun side of Autism, and trying to understand what it means to be Autistically Happy.

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