The last week has been good. It was extremely challenging in places, but overall the week was positve and i am proud of what i achieved.
The full breakdown is below, but the high level summert would be.
Theres a full day by day breakdown for anyone who is interested.
Monday was one of the harder days. I’d stayed with freinds for the previous week to make the trips away and the presentations easier. On Monday I returned home.
I was Extremely tired and achey. I was relying on painkillers. I knew i pushed perhaps to hard the week before but wow, my body was unhappy with me. Ooops.
I visited the cafe at mothercare and got some work done. That was nice!
In the evening i had the normal evening babysitter visit and i was super tired. I was also very frustarted that my body was so tired and i was getting lots of things wrong.
That night Terry the sleep in support lady was visiting. I am normally okay alone with her for two hours, but her visit was really hard. I spent most of it sat hiding behind my bedroom door as i needed to feel safe :( I calmed down once my freind arrived with my sensory vest.
I slept really well as i was exhusted.
Tuesday was alone in the morning. It was another very hard day. I got to the cafe at mothercare but i was really struggling. I had some meetings for work online and i just about kept up. I got some work done.
When i got home on Tuesday afternoon i was shaking and feeling really bad. During the babysitter visit i was really tired. I almost fell asleep on the bathroom floor trying to get undressed for my bath. I sat down to take trousers off and almost didnt get back up.
For some reason, during the bath i got extremely frustarted and angry at myself and i decided i would "stop being autisitc". This sometimes happens, we call it the mean voice… a subject to explore another day. I rejected all of the normal supported and told the babysitter to go home…
That didnt last long. Its a sort of meltdown i guess. When i am extremely tired and extremely frustarted i declare myself "not autistic" and kinda start masking in over drive trying to remove "everything naughty" from my life.
The babysitter didnt go home, she gave me space and then made me a hot chocolate when i ran out of energy and was in tears. The pure frustration and physical pain of everything had really got to me.
My friend arrived an hour or so later. He took my bed apart and we watched some TV and i fell asleep on him.
Wednesday i had a plan. The flat was feeling really really terrible so i got out as fast as i could in the morning. I went to mothercare twice, with a return home for lunch. I felt a bit better. I had slept really well having passed out on the sofa on the night before.
My friends make me feel safe. It was also good to have something practical to do (take apart my bed) etc.
Wedneday i got some work done and had a catchup with a BBC team i support. I did a code review and discussed algorithms for a bit. I also spend an hour speaking to an autism expery who supports me.
I didnt sleep very well on Wednesday. I got about 2 hours sleep during the whole night. I forgot to wash the shampoo out of my hair in the bath and it causes lots of sensory issues.
Thursday was a bit of challenge. I had two big things. In the morning i went to mothercare early and a friend waited at my flat for my new bed to be delivered and built. I wrote a blog post and did some BBC work.
Thursday night was my first night alone with Terri the overnight support lady. It was also my first night in my new bed. Monday had gone badly, but we didnt have a choice as other support was not available.
We made a plan. In effect, i planned not to sleep Thursday night, booked extra support for Friday morning and then filled my bedroom with distractions like magazines and books.
Thursday evening with the babysitter was very relaxed but i was getting anxous. The babysitter stayed quite late to help with the handover and left by about 11pm.
I was physically shaking due to the anxiety till about 1am. I was really struggling. By 3am i sent the babysiter a text message. She told me, if i was getting really anxous let her know.
She helped lots, we did some stuff to help me calm down and we talked about the plans for the following day. She said she wasnt asleep anyway as she was worrying about me… my friend said the same. I dont think anyone slept that night.
Friday morning the babysitter visited early and helped me with my routine. I had managed to get 4 hours sleep which was more than we expected. I was very shaky and wobbly on my feet. High anxiety for so long is just killer.
I needed to get out of the flat. The babysitter being rather brillant offered to take me to the park in Bee the car.
We went to the park pretty early. I’d wanted to go for a walk, or on the swings, but once i got there i was too anxious to leave the car. I was very frustarted and pretty grumpy. We sat in bee for a while and just listened to music. It was nice to get out. I dont normally leave the small area where i live, and i had been frustrated at feeling confined so it was good to go somewhere else.
I got back and slept more. I had a chat with my team and then spend the afternoon doing a bit of coding.
As the day went on i felt a bit better and the evening routine was really good. I arrived at my freinds about 10pm and had a really good nights sleep there.
I slept in quite late. I helped my friend tidy the garage (i designed a new layout to make more space!) then i went with him in the van to move my old bed to his house. That took most of the day.
He rebuilt my bed in the spare room at his house and i had a nap in it. I slept REALLY well. In the evening i helped make pizza, then played some xbox then went to bed.
This morning i helped my friend more. He is restoring a MX5 roadster and i helped today with some rust removal. Its my first time using the air grinder and i am not sure i enjoyed it. Its loud and i was worried about something catching fire.
I helped him to make a template for a patch that needed to be welded. I watched some of the welding but i was getting anxious so i went back upstairs.
I had another nap, and then followed my normal routine of heading to mothercare for lunch.
At mothercare i did some coding for an old client (fixing a map!) and wrote a blog post. Then i walked home. Since getting home i have done some tidying and update my timetable for the week.
The babysitter will be here in a few hours for my evening routine (dinner, bath etc). I am sleeping in my old bed again tonight and will be back tomorrow. tomorrow is also the second night with Terri, so hopefully i will sleep a bit better. Won’t know till we try.