The last few weeks have been a struggle. Not quite as much of a struggle as December was, but without doubt we have hit an inflection point.
Every week i get more and more tired, for the last few weeks this has resulted in getting more overloaded, causing anxiety and meltdowns.
I’m still pushing to hard in a stupid effort to feel valuable to myself. Thats half the problem. I am still trying to "run before i can walk".
When i am at my most anxious (for example, if home alone for too long) i end up having suicidal thoughts which terrify me. I know they will stop once i feel safer, but it’s not a nice feeling. During the past two weeks i’ve been in the position to take my own life twice (stepping into traffic). The first time, not doing so took 30 minutes of internal struggle.
This is somewhat confounding. As once the pressure is taken away and i feel safe i go back to being a pretty happy and bouncy chap much like a 5 year old. After 3-4 days of being somewhere safe i get more words and am more productive.
This is the nature of my autism i guess. When i am pushed to far for too long, drastic action appeals as a way to escape what feels like a hopeless future.
So the last two weeks have been hard. However, good stuff is happening.
My friends have found an agency able to provide overnight support, we have met them and they have assigned a carer. I didn’t do very well in the first meeting (i was to anxious and shy to leave the hallway) but i waved and contributed as much as i could. The same agency is finding someone to visit every morning too, but they haven’t got that setup yet.
This is what we are using the direct payment money for. Regular morning and evening routines with support and less dependency on my friends each night. Then in time, momentum will build up and i wont need the support overnight.
Easter is well timed. I am planning to leave my flat for a week to stay with friends. Its the place i go most weekends. They have just had an extension built and they have amazingly offered me a little room of my own to make things easier.
The extension shell is finished, but its need decorating and a kitchen needs installing. I’m going to go and be helpful, plus the 24/7 support for 9 days will really help me to build some positive momentum.
I wasn’t sure about writing this. I have this notion that because i am paying for my care and my finances each month are a mess, i cant possibly justify buying myself anything.
This also builds on that lingering sense of having no value. It’s like the self imposed equivalent of "taking the toys away".
However, i’m struggling not because i am naughty but because i am autistic. There no point punishing myself because i "don’t feel good enough" when i also know i am pushing myself to breaking point to try and "be better".
I do have value and i work bloody hard. To this end i have brought myself a new computer with some of the funds from my freelance work and from the sale of my house. The computer is costing me less than a month of care and it’s going to last a very long time and make my work life much easier.
I’m glad i managed to recognise why i was so upset at the idea and work through them. My friends helped a ton too.
This is a scary topic but yesterday, with the suicidal ideation strong i had to do something so i did the only thing i could think to do. I ordered a Uber to the closest doctors surgery and asked for help.
I only wanted to register, but the reception lady could see i was "rather distressed" and she took me through to the doctor who gave me a prescription for a drug used to stop panic attacks and anxiety.
I will write more about it in the future. Having it here is not the same as deciding to take it. But i am proud i used the scary thoughts to drive a positive change. It wasnt without cost. A friend had to come an rescue me after and today i feeling physically achey and discombobulated. When i woke up this morning, i couldn’t use my hand or get dressed etc.
I am going back next week with a friend to finish the registration.
This is a trigger for metldowns. I will be brief. They remain useless, non communicative, hostile and all around poop. I am trying to ignore how much control they have over my future life and simply live each day as it comes untill we have something concrete.
There are many positives in my life. Professional and personal but at the same time the challenges are extreme and severe. Living without speech or an ability to feel safe is not trivial. I am taking each day as it comes and it looks like the next few should be happy and safe. Which is just what i need.