Life is complex at the moment. There are a number of challenges all going on at once and it’s been a tough for weeks.
Meltdowns, shutdowns and other negative things (such as suicidal ideation and catastrophizing) are what happens when i do to much or dont have a stable enviroment.
Here are some of the things which have triggered meltdowns over the last few weeks.
I am trapped in my home 5 days a week, i get to escape for about 15 hours total. When i cleared my old flat i didnt do a very good job of thinning out the mess. I took to much in and i struggled to contain it.
This meant my new home stopped feeling like a home and started feeling like my old flat, overloaded, heavy and full.
This meant anytime someting new was brought into my flat i would panic about where to store it. This caused 3 days of rolling meltdowns before i was finally able to understand the issue and purge the excess.
I think throwing things away is something i find hard because it makes me feel intense guilt for buying it in the first place. It’s a black and white thinking issue. If i didnt need it, i was wrong, bad, stupid to buy it. Throwing something away (or recycling etc) is just admitting i was wrong.
Of course, thats not true. Needs and requirements change and we all seem to aquire many small things over time.
After i managed to clear some space i also found a solution to a storage problem and my flat started feeling like my home again.
My future is very uncertain, any interaction with social services is painful as so much rides on thier actions. For example, out appeal into the care package was held today, but we dont have any idea when we will hear anything or if they even recieved our appeal statements.
Depending on what happens, i may have a stable future with freinds, or be facing unemployment and a made scramble to regain my abilities before i become homeless.
To say i find this unsettling is an understatement. This in turns makes me feel very sensitive to issues relating to control…. such as being unable to choose where i sleep.
Each weekend i am forced from my home due to support gaps. I am lucky i have kind amazing friends willing to put me up as that prevents a far more damaging sitation where i have rolling panic attacks.
However, this weekly relocation messes with my routines and places massive stress on me. I may sometimes regain a few extra words, only to loose them again sunday night as the anxiety crushes me.
I never get to settle anywhere. One idea which was floated as a "possible" approach if care funding does not increase would have made the issue worse by forcing me from my home more often.
The sleeping issues are disruptive to me and my friends and contribute to much frustration and in my case guilt, anxiety and fear.
All that said, I have to pull some positives out of the last few weeks.
Im still working and even though i have struggled with politics stuff i have not been fired. I have been given very positive feedback on my input into various teams which is nice.
Even though i am struggling i have some other achievements to. My first 4 page spread article in a print magazine was published yesterday and i will hopefully be able to pick it up in WH Smiths sometime this weekend.
I have also received the funds from selling my home and have cleared my debts. At least its my own money i am spending now and with it i have greater autonomy.
Weekend will also soon be getting easier. My amazing friends have kindly offered me a small bedroom to stay in at weekends in a few weeks time when thier extension is finished. This will be remarkable and hopefully greatly ease the transition to and from home at the weekend.
Finally, i am still here. This is an achievement all of its own. The stress hasn’t killed me yet and ive not harmed myself when i am down.
I will continue pushing on and learning as best i can. I am making progress in many areas its just so insanely slow as to appear inconsequential.