For this weeks update I am not going to talk so much about what is happening and instead focus on how I am feeling.
I am feeling really weird at the moment. There is lots going on.
Now is a time of great change and uncertainty. Most aspects of my life are in flux. I am starting to get into routines in many areas which is helping but there is much left to do.
A large area of change for me is how i feel about myself. The last two weeks have been pretty down and thrashy. Going from one extreme (acceptance and pride in being myself) to another (seeing the autism as some horrible unfair barrier placed in my way).
I am grieving for lost skills. Depressed comes before acceptance so I am pushing on as best i can.
I am also working to monitor my emotions more. I am seeing patterns. For example, i stay with my friends each weekend and i have noticed that the transition to and from is very difficult.
It feels like two different worlds. When i am at home i miss my friends house (i miss being around people who make me feel safe) and when i am at my friends house i miss my home (all my toys and the good environment).
See what i mean? This is all pretty mixed up.
This evening i have just returned home and within a few minutes i was walking around aimlessly and getting anxious. However, knowing the transition is a difficult time, i spotted the issue and have applied a strategy to feel better (pressure vest on, TV on, get writing!)
The bones of my life are great and strong. I am doing something very hard (living independently) at a time when i have just suffered considerable skill loss. I am doing well and for that i need to be proud.
There are challenges ahead. But we are facing them, my friends and I. we are beating them and solving them.
For me the greater challenge is accepting where i am and how i am. My feelings are still strong and stormy when it comes to how i feel about "the autism". It’s going to take time for it to settle.
To quote Dory, i just gotta keep swimming. Iv’e been living Independently now for 10 weeks and we are finding our way.
It would be foolish to not be scared of the future. Right now the future is a scary place. However the progress so far is encouraging and extremely positive.
While a little scared, i am also hopeful and positive about the future too. It’s a very mixed up time, but it’s a good time.
